The Gate and the Garden: The Emotional Power of a Father's Presence
June 9, 2025 | Written By: Dr. Erlange Elisme
As we celebrate Father's Day this June, I want to share something I've witnessed over 30 years in education that always moves me: When a father walks into a parent-teacher conference, the entire atmosphere shifts. Even if he doesn't say much, even if he just sits quietly and listens, his presence changes everything. The child sits a little straighter. The conversation feels more complete. There's an unspoken message in the room: "This child matters to both of us."
As a mother who raised my son alone, I understand both the challenges and the irreplaceable value of a father's presence. But I've also noticed something else over the years: when a Black father shows up to school, the school's entire attitude shifts too. Suddenly, there's more respect, more attention, more careful consideration.
This reality speaks to something uncomfortable but important—our children and families often face microaggressions and assumptions rooted in harmful stereotypes about Black men and Black families. When a father is present, visible, and engaged, it challenges those assumptions and often results in better treatment for the whole family.
A father's role goes beyond providing or protecting—it's about offering what I call emotional coverage, like a strong gate guarding the precious garden of a child's heart. But it's also about institutional coverage, protecting his family from some of the biases they might otherwise face.
The Unique Gift of Fathers
In our Haitian and Caribbean communities, we've always known that fathers bring something special to their children's lives. They're the gatekeepers, the ones who provide structure, stability, and a different kind of strength. But what I've observed in classrooms and confirmed through research is that their true power lies in the emotional security they provide.
As a mother who raised my son alone, I understand both the challenges and the irreplaceable value of a father's presence. But I've also noticed something else over the years: when a Black father shows up to school, the school's entire attitude shifts too. Suddenly, there's more respect, more attention, more careful consideration.
This reality speaks to something uncomfortable but important—our children and families often face microaggressions and assumptions rooted in harmful stereotypes about Black men and Black families. When a father is present, visible, and engaged, it challenges those assumptions and often results in better treatment for the whole family.
A father's role goes beyond providing or protecting—it's about offering what I call emotional coverage, like a strong gate guarding the precious garden of a child's heart. But it's also about institutional coverage, protecting his family from some of the biases they might otherwise face.
The Unique Gift of Fathers
In our Haitian and Caribbean communities, we've always known that fathers bring something special to their children's lives. They're the gatekeepers, the ones who provide structure, stability, and a different kind of strength. But what I've observed in classrooms and confirmed through research is that their true power lies in the emotional security they provide.
When fathers are actively involved, children show higher emotional security, better self-esteem, and stronger social skills (Sarkadi et al., 2008). There's something about a father's affirmation, his way of teaching emotional regulation, and his consistent presence that creates a foundation of trust. Studies show that fathers who are sensitive and involved during the early years actually help protect their children from developing aggressive behaviors and support better social adaptation (Feldman, 2023).
The Reality of Absence
I've seen the other side too. In my three decades in education, I've watched what happens when that gate isn't there. Sometimes circumstances separate fathers from their children—divorce, work, life's complications. In our culture, when relationships between parents break down, children often lose their father's presence entirely, as if the relationship with the child was tied only to the relationship with the mother.
The research tells us what I've observed: father absence creates real challenges for children's emotional development. Children may experience increased behavioral difficulties, and the effects can be long-lasting (McLanahan et al., 2013). For girls, father absence is linked to higher rates of depression that can extend into young adulthood (Culpin et al., 2024). Boys may struggle with identity formation and emotional regulation.
As someone who navigated single parenthood, I know how hard mothers work to fill every gap. We do our best, and often it's extraordinary. But there's something unique that fathers bring—a different voice, a different perspective, a different way of loving—that can't be replicated.
When Relationships Are Strained
I've also observed how conflict between parents affects children. When there's tension, anger, or worse between parents, children absorb that stress. Research confirms that family conflict and negativity directly impact children's emotional regulation and development (Morris et al., 2007).
Children are always watching, always learning about relationships from what they see at home.
The Reality of Absence
I've seen the other side too. In my three decades in education, I've watched what happens when that gate isn't there. Sometimes circumstances separate fathers from their children—divorce, work, life's complications. In our culture, when relationships between parents break down, children often lose their father's presence entirely, as if the relationship with the child was tied only to the relationship with the mother.
The research tells us what I've observed: father absence creates real challenges for children's emotional development. Children may experience increased behavioral difficulties, and the effects can be long-lasting (McLanahan et al., 2013). For girls, father absence is linked to higher rates of depression that can extend into young adulthood (Culpin et al., 2024). Boys may struggle with identity formation and emotional regulation.
As someone who navigated single parenthood, I know how hard mothers work to fill every gap. We do our best, and often it's extraordinary. But there's something unique that fathers bring—a different voice, a different perspective, a different way of loving—that can't be replicated.
When Relationships Are Strained
I've also observed how conflict between parents affects children. When there's tension, anger, or worse between parents, children absorb that stress. Research confirms that family conflict and negativity directly impact children's emotional regulation and development (Morris et al., 2007).
Children are always watching, always learning about relationships from what they see at home.
The Science of Connection
What fascinates me most is how research validates what many of us have felt intuitively. Fathers contribute to their children's emotional development in unique ways. A comprehensive review of 43 studies found that when fathers model healthy emotional responses, react positively to their children's feelings, and maintain strong relationships with them, children develop better emotional regulation skills (Islamiah, 2023).
This isn't about fathers being better or worse than mothers—it's about being different. Children benefit from both perspectives, both styles of love and guidance.
Hope and Possibility
If you're a father reading this who feels disconnected from your child—whether by distance, circumstances, or past mistakes—know that connection can be rebuilt. Children are remarkably forgiving and resilient. Small, consistent efforts matter: a regular phone call, showing up to important events, expressing pride in who they're becoming.
And for our community's children who don't have their biological fathers present, research shows us that other caring men can make a tremendous difference—grandfathers, uncles, mentors, coaches (Coley, 1998). Sometimes the most important father figures are the ones who choose to love and guide children who aren't biologically theirs.
Celebrating Father's Day
Today, I want to celebrate the fathers who understand their profound influence. The ones who show up consistently, who listen more than they lecture, who model the kind of person they hope their children will become. The fathers who know that their presence—not perfect, just present—creates emotional safety for their children.
I also want to acknowledge the fathers who are working to reconnect, to do better, to be the gate their children need. Your efforts matter, even when they feel small.
And I celebrate the men in our community who step into father roles for children who need them, who understand that love makes a family, not just biology.
The Garden Grows
In the garden of childhood, fathers serve as both gate and gardener—protecting, nurturing, and helping their children grow into their full potential. Their presence matters in ways that ripple through generations.
This Father's Day, let's honor not just the fathers who got it right from the beginning, but also those who are learning, growing, and choosing love over everything else. Because in the end, that's what children need most—to know they are loved, protected, and valued by the important
adults in their lives.
What fascinates me most is how research validates what many of us have felt intuitively. Fathers contribute to their children's emotional development in unique ways. A comprehensive review of 43 studies found that when fathers model healthy emotional responses, react positively to their children's feelings, and maintain strong relationships with them, children develop better emotional regulation skills (Islamiah, 2023).
This isn't about fathers being better or worse than mothers—it's about being different. Children benefit from both perspectives, both styles of love and guidance.
Hope and Possibility
If you're a father reading this who feels disconnected from your child—whether by distance, circumstances, or past mistakes—know that connection can be rebuilt. Children are remarkably forgiving and resilient. Small, consistent efforts matter: a regular phone call, showing up to important events, expressing pride in who they're becoming.
And for our community's children who don't have their biological fathers present, research shows us that other caring men can make a tremendous difference—grandfathers, uncles, mentors, coaches (Coley, 1998). Sometimes the most important father figures are the ones who choose to love and guide children who aren't biologically theirs.
Celebrating Father's Day
Today, I want to celebrate the fathers who understand their profound influence. The ones who show up consistently, who listen more than they lecture, who model the kind of person they hope their children will become. The fathers who know that their presence—not perfect, just present—creates emotional safety for their children.
I also want to acknowledge the fathers who are working to reconnect, to do better, to be the gate their children need. Your efforts matter, even when they feel small.
And I celebrate the men in our community who step into father roles for children who need them, who understand that love makes a family, not just biology.
The Garden Grows
In the garden of childhood, fathers serve as both gate and gardener—protecting, nurturing, and helping their children grow into their full potential. Their presence matters in ways that ripple through generations.
This Father's Day, let's honor not just the fathers who got it right from the beginning, but also those who are learning, growing, and choosing love over everything else. Because in the end, that's what children need most—to know they are loved, protected, and valued by the important
adults in their lives.
References
Coley, R. L. (1998). Children's socialization experiences and functioning in single-mother
households: The importance of fathers and other men. Child Development, 69(1), 219-
230. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00126
Culpin, I., Stapinski, L., Miles, Ö. B., Araya, R., & Joinson, C. (2024). Father absence and
trajectories of offspring mental health across adolescence and young adulthood: Findings from a
UK-birth cohort. Journal of Affective Disorders, 347, 1-
9. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.11.076
Feldman, R. (2023). Father contribution to human resilience. Development and
Psychopathology, 35(5), 2038-2062. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579423000858
Islamiah, I. (2023). The role of fathers in children's emotion regulation development: A
systematic review. Infant and Child Development, 32(2), e2397. https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.2397
McLanahan, S., Tach, L., & Schneider, D. (2013). The causal effects of father absence. Annual
Review of Sociology, 39, 399-427. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-soc-071312-145704
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the
family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361-
388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
Sarkadi, A., Kristiansson, R., Oberklaid, F., & Bremberg, S. (2008). Fathers' involvement and
children's developmental outcomes: A systematic review of longitudinal studies. Acta
Paediatrica, 97(2), 153-158. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1651-2227.2007.00572.x
Coley, R. L. (1998). Children's socialization experiences and functioning in single-mother
households: The importance of fathers and other men. Child Development, 69(1), 219-
230. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00126
Culpin, I., Stapinski, L., Miles, Ö. B., Araya, R., & Joinson, C. (2024). Father absence and
trajectories of offspring mental health across adolescence and young adulthood: Findings from a
UK-birth cohort. Journal of Affective Disorders, 347, 1-
9. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.11.076
Feldman, R. (2023). Father contribution to human resilience. Development and
Psychopathology, 35(5), 2038-2062. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579423000858
Islamiah, I. (2023). The role of fathers in children's emotion regulation development: A
systematic review. Infant and Child Development, 32(2), e2397. https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.2397
McLanahan, S., Tach, L., & Schneider, D. (2013). The causal effects of father absence. Annual
Review of Sociology, 39, 399-427. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-soc-071312-145704
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the
family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361-
388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
Sarkadi, A., Kristiansson, R., Oberklaid, F., & Bremberg, S. (2008). Fathers' involvement and
children's developmental outcomes: A systematic review of longitudinal studies. Acta
Paediatrica, 97(2), 153-158. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1651-2227.2007.00572.x
Dr. Erlange Elisme, DSW
CEO / Owner & Author
Website: https://elismeconsultingservices.com
Phone number: 678-595-6446
Email: [email protected]
CEO / Owner & Author
Website: https://elismeconsultingservices.com
Phone number: 678-595-6446
Email: [email protected]